Last night I went to my first Portland concert, my first punk concert (I'm a lame-o OK GUYS?) AND my first Tinder date concert. Below is a basic summation of what runs through one's mind during this trifecta. If you two have not combined these three elements, read on. Your brain (and eardrums) will thank you.
1. I really need to walk the line of 'cool punk grrrl' and 'not mocking or appropriating your hard earned outsider culture' appropriately. When in doubt, look to KKW (Kim Kardashian West, you noobs) BODY SUIT AND HIGH WAISTED VINTAGE JEANS IT IS.
2. Here I am! What shall I drink? Be cool and collected and get a Rainier? Nah, get tipsy as fuck: tequila ginger over here! (At this point, my date said 'holy shit.' I was both flattered and dreading that we did not have the same level of alcohol tolerance.)
3. Into the venue we go! Hey, this is not as loud or as grating as I thought... This band has a whole song about Holly from The Office, which is one of the most under-appreciated love stories on modern television IMO.... Oh wait. This isn't the band that we came to see? Yes I would like to skip this new song about boulevards and go outside.
4. Wow, what a thorough sound check! How scientific. They are truly experts in their field. Someone should film this and then show it to old people so they can see that there's a lot more method to the madness and then they can really appreciate new music too... Wow, I could be GREAT at bridging generational gaps.
5. This bassist is a HOTTIE. Could I ditch my date for him? I am a terrible person. But LOOK at those biceps. And his witty between-song repoire! And he really enjoys what he's doing! Make a MOVE. But only if it's a cosmic, rock-show, meant to be sort of thing.
6. WOW moshpit breaking out. I bet the only other place with this many angry white men jumping in a crowd is a Trump rally. Better they're here than there. Ok, gotta pee. And try to grab the bassist's eye. I am going to hell.
7. From the side of the stage, the bassist looks like Garth from Wayne's World. Not a bad thing, because I do love Dana Carvey. Not date-ditching material though. Too bad.
8. REALLY gotta pee. Why isn't the bathroom light working? (turns on phone flashlight- Written next to switch: 'This NEVER fucking works') Great, so I am peeing, probably without a seat but I can't tell in the pitch black, having gone semi-deaf at a punk concert. LIVING THAT PORTLANDIA LYFE.
9. WOW this mosh pit has gotten BIG! A whole total of 10 white men pushing each other! It is a very visceral experience. The sounds all come together to pound your body and your ears and your brain. Both of the bands also tell a lot of jokes in between sets, or they go back and forth with the audience. Punk seems to elicit two strong emotional reactions, laughter and rage..... Buuuuut, people have emotional reactions to cult leaders, so that's not necessarily a determination of valor. Woah.
10. This headlining singer seems to think he's Prince. Too bad there's only one Purple God of Sex and Music. He's dancing like Sparky, the hired choreographer and conman from Bring It On, combined with Buffalo Bill on a bad day and Golem on a good day.