Ten ThingsMolly Smithson

10 Things I Love about Coffee (other than Caffeine)

Ten ThingsMolly Smithson
10 Things I Love about Coffee (other than Caffeine)

Happy National Coffee Day! By this point, I am 4 cups in and only halfway to my total coffee consumption for the day. Before I drank the whole pot, I was able to capture the above GIF that shows the Smithson French Press process: thanks coffee! 

Coffee may power the civilized world and deforest the developing one- (gold star for colonialism!), but what I love most about coffee are the humanizing moments that it creates. So here we have 10 things to love about coffee, other than its highly addictive main ingredient, caffeine. 

1. It's an excuse for bad breath. 

As someone who constantly forgets gum and mints in my millions of other purses, coffee has excused me from confronting the rank smell coming out of my mouth on many occasions. Got a sinus infection? Cover up that wino mouth with some java. Drink too much tequila and now it's seeping out of your pores? Just spew coffee breath on everyone in your meeting.


2. It goes with pretty much any weather. 

Rainy mornings and hot coffee. Sunny drives and cold brew. Snow days and irish coffees until I pass out. I have tried to make the same claim for soup, but all cold soup other than gazpacho is basically a smoothie. Plus, you can't make soup alcoholic, unless of course you're drinking alcoholic gazpacho, which is my name for a bloody mary (if you can't tell, I'm a big fan of soup). 

3. It's a class equalizer. 

From cappuccinos with gold leaf to a noxious cup of diner coffee, everyone in society has a way to enjoy a strong brew, unless you're some English elitist: go dig your tea out of the Boston Harbor, losers! My favorite coffee comes from gas stations, because we have much alike: hot, strong, cheap and so acerbic that we'll give you an ulcer if you enjoy it too often. 

4. You can work on your lame dreams outside the confines of your basement. 

Without Starbucks, think of all the weirdos who would be stuck in their basements writing screenplays, skyping too loudly for potential job interviews. There would be no one to mansplain a flat white. Actually, can someone get on female-only coffee shops? 

5. If you have a coffee spill on your shirt, you look busy and important, not like a slob.

If #1 didn't hit the point home, I am a messy person who lives only by the grace of well crafted excuses. Spill coffee on your shirt, you look like you're in a rush. Spill spaghetti, everyone starts calling you Eminem and then you can't achieve your dreams of winning a rap battle. 

6. Freaks who only like sweet drinks, the world is your oyster.

Again, thanks to Starbucks, we have frappucinos, macchiatos, PSLs, eggnog lattes and other bastardizations of the coffee bean. What would you people be drinking if not for coffee? Lemonade? Boy, bai. 

7. Hilarious coffee mugs: Bumper stickers :: Piercings: Tattoos

I, Molly Smithson, do not endorse poorly placed or dated bumper stickers. The bumper sticker is an art, like a tattoo, that is permanent and should have meaning. That W sticker on your Expedition? 2000 called, they want their delusions back.

Coffee mugs, on the other hand, can say whatever the fuck they want and you only have to show it off for a couple hours each morning, then you can switch to another one tomorrow. They can also be very symbolic, but not on a level that you want to stick it to your mode of transportation. Case in point: my nana bought me a mug with orca whales, because she knows they're my favorite animal, but she also knows I'm trying to make friends, so she didn't buy me a massive Lisa Frank Orca decal for my back window (although that would be pretty dope). 

8. Children can't have it and are usually fine with that. 

"Molly, wouldn't you say the same about alcohol?" Of course I would, you child abuser. What do you think this is, a wooden ship in the 1700s? The thing with telling kids that they can't have alcohol is that the reasons are much more depressing, even though it seems like a lot of fun. For example, compare the two following conversations.  

"Dad, you're having a great time! Can't I have a sip of beer?"
"No, Billy, you'll start down a spiral of crippling alcoholism and burn through your already weak brain cells if you start pounding 'em back this young!"

As opposed to:

"Dad, can I have some coffee?"
"No, Billy, it will stunt your growth.... Plus coffee is for hard working adults who want to be productive!"

9. We can use it to build the master race. 

Coffee prevents Alzheimer's and a buttload of cancers, makes you more money  and drinking a lot of it means you're a creative genius. It's also great as an exfolliant! Basically the human race will not survive the next 100 years without coffee. 

10. It makes you poop. 

There is no experience more unifying, more humanizing than when you finish a big dinner and everyone orders a coffee. You look around the table and think, wow, we all just silently agreed to take a huge dump after this.

While it's highly encouraged to poop without the aid of coffee, I do love that moment of satisfaction when I'm washing my hands, my stomach is settled I can say, "thanks coffee, for keeping this plumbing tight."